Category Archives: My Life

What do I dream about?

the-beach-fix-everything.jpg

I dream about visiting London, Liverpool and Dublin.

I dream if returning to Germany and spending more time in a few cities and also visiting Austria.

I dream about returning to Rome and Venice.

I dream of living my life without fear.

I dream of visiting far away friends more often and really reconnecting with them. I dream of the old neighborhood.

I dream if taking a vacation twice a year instead of just a weekend here and there. I haven’t taken a good vacation since 2010.

I dream of visiting Santorini

I dream of a life with less physical and emotional pain. I do not wish for none because then I would not be human.

I dream of moving to the west coast of Florida and living a life a little closer to the beach life I adore. Or maybe just maybe living as an expatriot for a while.

I dream of losing the 15 lbs that I gained back during the last half of the year.   I like to think of it as the freshman 15.  Meaning the  15 lbs gained during my first year as an RN.  LOL

I dream of a life where I am not limited by asthma.

I dream of having a career where I can be self employed doing something I really love instead of always what it practical.

I dream of going to MegaCon and meeting David Morrissey in 2014.

I dream of:

…taking voice lesions and improving my god given talent.

…. things bothering me less.

…Of more time spent with friends

…working less and living more

…Of more life being lived

… Being a tad frivolous. (Working in that one. Lol)

… Of adopting a lovely child.

… Of being less hard in myself. And not letting my mothers negativity weigh on me like it does so often.

… Cutting toxic people out of my life. Keeping the good ones.

…Using Skype more

…. Being a better blogger.

… My dogs cancer to go away.

… Feeling more comfortable in my own skin.

… Feeling beautiful more often.

Why Screwing things up is cruical to my Well being.

Okay…  Seems counter intuitive but I can see where this may be true.

At its heart, perfectionism is rooted in feelings of shame and inadequacy.

Those of us who suffer from it are afraid that we’re not worthy of being respected and loved for our natural, unedited selves. There are many reasons why this happens, but the consequence is that we always feel the need to justify ourselves and our actions.

We also feel we must prove ourselves, over and over again; we’re never good enough just as we are.

Talk about a recipe for depression, stress, and burnout. (Well no wonder!)

A 2008 Psychology Today article titled “Pitfalls of Perfectionism” states, “[T]he biggest problem with perfection may be that it masks the real secret of success in life. Success hinges less on getting everything right than on how you handle getting things wrong.”

That is totally me.  What if I REALLY got that?? I’d be unstoppable.  I’ve been criticized most of my life mostly by my mother and of course that mother criticism is everything. My opinion of myself is basically my mothers opinion of me. It puts a pallor over all parts of my life.   Despite everything I have accomplished I still go right back to that poor opinion of me that my mother has.  Which she can’t let me forget nor stop bringing up.  It is absolutely something I have to work on.

 No, i’m not really worried about her reading this because she already knows this.   That is why we are not really speaking right now.  Read on in this interesting article.

Continue reading Why Screwing things up is cruical to my Well being.

What Wesley Crusher taught me today

Isn’t it interesting how things you hear can trigger such emotion?? I was listening to the latest installment of Radio Free Burrito, Wil Wheaton’s podcast and the last thing he was talking about was the blooper reel that will be on the upcoming Star Trek: The Next Generation 3rd season Blu-Ray release. He was relating how by the third season the cast was a pretty close knit group and if they messed up they would laugh it off and reset the scene. All if them except Wil, who would be come frustrated and apologize and be angry with himself from screwing up. He was 15 or 16 at the time. What also contributed to the frustration was that by this time Wesley’s role had been reduced to “aye sir” and a lot of technobabble as he likes to call it. This fact was a foolish teenage factor is asking to be written off the show in the subsequent season.

He said something at the end of the podcast that really struck a nerve with me. He talked about how his teenage self was doing the best he could and maybe one day being able to make peace with that. I related this back to my own life with my own frustration in my job. It caused me to cry.

I am nearly 42 years old and I am a relatively new second career RN. I am a former Respiratory therapist of 12 years. I knew that job and did that job well. Graduating April 2012 and finding a job finally in August, starting in September that year. I have been off orientation since December 9th and have working with 5-6 patients each shift since then. Nursing is a tough job and a job that I have only scratched the surface of.

Each shift, that job is a struggle. Each shift is different. Different patients, acuities, med schedules, some pain management some not, some total care some not. While it is nice to have a routine most of the time it is not possible as things are thrown at you from Left field much of the time.

Anyway, I know I am doing the best I can do but at the same time I do not feel as if my best is good enough and that is so frustrating. When I get behind, I stress. It’s a horrible feeling to know you are doing what you can but still feeling inadequate.

So that podcast really struck a nerve with me today. It helped give me hope that not only will I become better at my job but also that I may one day Buble to make peace with these times as they are now

Don’t you hate it when

Don’t you hate it when illness sneaks up on you and body slams you when you least expect it? This is what happened to me recently.

I awoke on Wednesday feeling a little irritation in my lungs, that little tingle in the center of your chest that tells you something’s up. I marched off to work early in the morning. I dealt with the pressures of the work day and developed a low grade fever and a slight cough.

The next morning I drove into work and felt about the same only with more congestion. By mid shift I had a runny nose, a congested cough and was sneezing like crazy. I was miserable and could barely concentrate on anything I was doing. My hands were raw from hand washing and opening little pill packages all day long, my lips dry from days with little to no water.

Admittedly, I wasn’t taking care of myself these past few weeks. Not eating well, not drinking enough water, letting stress get the best of me….

Today, I missed a field trip to MOSI with my husbands class today because I am so sick. I barely got out of bed at 9 am this morning, because I was so hot. My dogs flanked me in the bed. That didn’t help.

I sat on my couch watching DVR’d episodes of Grey’s Anatomy and Private practice not moving a muscle, still in my PJ’s. I had a great deal of trouble opening a bottle of Gatorade. I felt too weak. I had a couple of frozen waffles to eat. It was a pathetic picture.

I feel asleep around noon for about 45 minutes on the couch, after which I decided to felt okay enough to take a shower. Then I let my dogs out the back door for a pee. Then Alton Brown taught me about sushi and sashimi.

Three Mucinex, four bottles of purple Gatorade later and coughing my head off for hours I can breathe again and feel a little more human.

What I am grateful for today

I am grateful that. I have a job to go to even though I feel inadequate much of the time. It will get better.

I am grateful that I have a home to go with a warm bed to sleep in. Some people don’t.

I fortunate to have a husband who loves me and dogs who love me too. I was single for a long time and had no animals to call my own.

I am fortunate that I can afford my dogs treatment for cancer without going completely broke.

I grateful for my friends. It’s a small circle but they are good friends.

I am grateful to be getting this pedicure today so my toes look pretty. I am also grateful for OPI Skyfall nail color.

I am grateful for the gift of music. I couldn’t live my life without it.

Nature

Have you ever just stopped to watch nature? I love to watch nature. At work we have a family of sucks that year after year they bring new ducklings into
The world and it is always a pleasure to watch them tail their mother as she leads them over a hill or across the road. They are so adorable to watch. I’ve even put my car across two lanes of traffic to help mama cross the road with her little charges, safely. I love to see them year after year.

On my way to work there is a pasture where there is a constant rotation of cows. White cows, brown cow, big one and little ones. I always enjoy seeing them, especially when a new set of babies come in. Mini cows are the cutest.

They all just stand out there and graze and chew their cud. Sometimes you will find them, both older and younger cows, climbing the mount of dirt that is there, like little mountain goats scaling a rock face. It is a pleasure to watch these cows do their thing. Sometimes in that same field there is a lone brown horse with a beautiful mane and tail. It always makes me happy to see them each day on my way to and from work.

Remember when?

I was working in the ICU and I hear one nurse say to another nurse ” I’ll be your best friend if you being me a rubber band.”. That really made me chuckle because it brought me right back to those days when I’ve said that myself to my little girlfriends (and some boys) .

Did you use that phrase as a kid? I used it a lot. Kids all around me used it to get what they wanted. “if you come play with me I’ll be your best friend” ” if you let me borrow your bike I’ll be your best friend!

Life was so simple then. All it took was to say you’d be someones best friend to get someone to come out and play. I hardly think that things are simple for kids these days. It’s all about having the latest sneakers, the latest video game or the best clothes.